more thoughts

I'm going to be honest in this one. If any of the five people who actually read this blog are bothered by that, I'm sorry.

I don't have a theme for this blog like a lot of people. It's really just a place for me to write down whatever I'm thinking. So here's what's on my mind.

Have you ever been laying in bed next to someone and it just felt right? It's a beautiful, wonderful, warm, happy, blissful, feeling that you just don't want to end- like saturday mornings when you were a kid and you wanted to the cartoons to just keep coming (or something like that). I haven't felt that way in I don't know how long. I have felt that way before, but I can't really remember when it was exactly.

Now, have you ever been laying in bed next to someone and it just felt wrong? Awkward? Like it just didn't fit? Something was out of place, namely that other person in the bed. You just want that person to be gone, to never have been there at all. That's most of what I've felt, whenever I've been "with" someone (get your minds out of the gutter), for a long time now (at least a year).

I guess that's the long way of me saying that I've been lonely for a while now. Not "friend" lonely. I have great friends, amazing friends even. I have creative, helpful, caring, wonderful friends. I don't mean that kind of lonely.

I mean love-lonely.

Love lonely is different- it's a "something's missing and I can't put my finger on it but damn so much of this feels empty" sort of feeling.

So, yeah, back to the awkward person in my bed. It's not that I can't date people. I have dated people, several people. I have had opportunities to pursue several women since this all began, but for some damn reason I haven't had any interest in any of them.

To me it's worse to be "with" someone just to be "with" someone, than to be alone completely.
If she doesn't do anything for me in my heart, it just feels pointless.
I've met a lot of nice girls.
None of them have done anything for me.

I thought I met one a while back. I think she might of felt the same way. I think the truth is both of us were just wishing we were really into each other, and the truth was, well, we didn't fit.

I'm rambling, sorry.

So yeah, it's weird because it seems these days like everyone is getting married. Even people who well, honestly, I never thought would find someone.

And here I am, not married, not even interested in someone. I'm a true bachelor. 100%. I eat pasta and frozen pizza. I play video games with my roommates. I stay up to late. I drink too much beer. I don't know how much of that I can change on my own. I'm rambling.

So yeah, I guess I'll keep trudging along, occasionally screwing up and feeling guilty about it. Trying to "meet a nice girl at church" which is fucking ludicrous because all the nice girls at church seem to be married or engaged or well, completely unattractive to me.

I'm not unhappy, I'm just confused. It wasn't always like this. Did I miss my chance(s)?
Is this just the way it's going to be?

I've got a date tomorrow night, with a girl who seems nice. Who knows, maybe this one will work out. If not, there's always beer and pizza.


Amy said...

So this quote came from my "Wild Words from Wild Women" calendar today, but I love it. "It bothers me that the world revolves around married people with children, so I've come up with a politically correct term for 'single with no kids': happy."

I hate advice and cute little anecdotes, but I've felt all that before, still feel that I'm behind everyone else my age (especially when all the girls from my pledge class are engaged or married), and I've definitely posted on this same thing before. I'll keep an eye out for eligible women. Just keep being yourself and I have no doubt somebody will fall into your lap. And as you once told me: don't stop believin'...

Diana said...

I, too, am bereft of advice or cute anecdotes (both which I hate when I am feeling despondent). Hell, I am a single white twentysomething woman with a cat. Well on my way to becoming a culturally suspect cliche. But I just wanted to pop in and say that I am sorry that you're feeling lonely. Law school is so hard just to get through, let alone deal with the fact that you're supposed to LIKE it. Or something. I don't think happiness is made available to us there, and I think it takes a strong person to exhale and let fall away the negativity, the paranoia, the fear. I try to remember to exhale all day long. But I am not always good at it. So please know you are not alone. You don't have to have a theme blog. You don't have to have your whole future mapped out. You don't have to be passionate about something. You just have to live. That's all.